What does emotion regulation include?

Accurate awareness of emotional signals, non-judgmental acceptance of emotional states, selection of response strategies adapted to the current scene, and adjustment of effect calibration and long-term habit optimization.

To be honest, I have been doing front-line emotional intervention work for almost 7 years, and I have seen too many people misunderstand emotional regulation. I asked "Is there any way to prevent me from getting angry forever?" In fact, it is really not necessary. Emotions themselves are the human body's own signaling system. There is no good or bad distinction. The essence of regulation is not to let emotions lead you to do things you regret, rather than to strangle emotions directly.

Many people are actually unaware of their emotions. A visitor I received last week was an Internet operator. She had just finished the 618 sale and was scolded by her boss at the weekly meeting, saying that her plan did not meet expectations. Her first reaction was to stand up, yell at the boss, slam the door and go out. It was only when she was buying iced American food downstairs that she realized: Why was she so angry just now? In fact, she had been in an angry mood for almost three minutes, and she was completely unaware of it. She only felt her chest was tight and her brain was buzzing. This was a typical lack of awareness. Regarding the path of awareness, different schools have different focuses: the cognitive behavioral school (CBT) pays more attention to the automatic thinking that accompanies the emergence of emotions. For example, when the thought "He is deliberately targeting me" comes up, anger has already been activated. ； Mindfulness-oriented practitioners place more emphasis on capturing body signals. Physiological reactions such as clenching of teeth, sweating on palms, and accelerated heartbeat are actually 2-3 seconds earlier than your brain realizes emotions. By catching these signals first, it is actually easier to pull yourself out of the emotional whirlpool.

As an aside, after many people notice that they have negative emotions, their first reaction is to criticize themselves: "Why am I so petty?" "Is this such a small thing worth getting angry at? ”, but fell into the internal friction of "being angry for the sake of being angry". Two months ago, a sales visitor complained to me, saying that he was refunded an order of 200,000 yuan by a customer. On the way home, he became angrier and angrier. He felt that he was so useless. When he got home, he saw his son throwing toys all over the floor. He couldn't help scolding the child and crying. He regretted it when he lay in bed at night. He scolded himself for not being able to control his emotions. He cried for half the night. His condition at work the next day was even worse and he missed three customer calls. This is a classic vicious cycle of non-acceptance.

Regarding acceptance, the industry actually has different views: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) believes that emotions are normal psychological reactions, whether positive or negative. The more you resist, the more the influence of emotions will be amplified. If you allow it to exist first, it will dissipate quickly.； Some researchers in the early behaviorism school once proposed that "negative emotions will be strengthened" and believed that acceptance will prolong the duration of negative emotions, and attention should be diverted as soon as possible. My own experience in intervention is that there is no absolute right or wrong in either statement. If your current emotional intensity is not high, it will not affect your normal behavior. Acceptance is actually the most efficient way. If you have reached the edge of losing control, it is perfectly fine to divert your attention first. You don’t need to kidnap yourself by the standards of a certain school. Oh, by the way, some people think that accepting emotions means allowing yourself to lose your temper at will. These are completely different things. Acceptance means that you know that you are angry and do not criticize yourself, but whether or not to lose your temper is the choice you make next. It does not mean that you can curse others at will just because you accept your anger.

When it comes to the response strategy, this is what everyone usually calls "adjustment methods", but there is really no universal formula. Suitable scenarios are different, and the methods that can be used vary greatly. For example, if you are criticized in public, it would definitely not be appropriate to explode directly at the moment. You can quietly count three numbers in your mind, take two deep breaths, lower the intensity of the emotion first, and wait until no one is around to complain to a friend or go for a couple of runs to vent. ； If you are quarreling with your partner at home and you have to hold it in, holding on to your emotions and keeping in a cold war can easily lead to a big conflict. It would be more appropriate to just say, "I'm a little emotional right now. I'll go stand on the balcony for ten minutes and we'll have a good talk when I get back." Among the practitioners I have come into contact with, those who do cognitive behavioral therapy prefer to use cognitive reappraisal and look at the problem from another perspective, such as "The boss scolded me because he was scolded by Party A just today, and it was not specifically directed at me."” ； Teachers who do expressive art therapy prefer to let you write your emotions on paper and tear it up, or doodle and draw it casually. There is no distinction between high and low, as long as it is comfortable and useful to you.

The last effect calibration module is something that most people ignore. Many people use a method once and it works, but next time they just use it regardless of the situation. If it doesn't work, they say the method is useless. This is actually wrong. I had a visitor before. When she first heard from a friend that keeping an emotional diary was useful, she started writing every time she was angry. Later, she found that when she was particularly angry, she could not sit still and write, and the more she wrote, the angrier she became. Later, she made some adjustments. When she was particularly angry, she first went out for a run for two laps, and then wrote in the diary when she calmed down. Gradually, she found her own rhythm. In fact, emotional regulation is a process of constant trial and error. You don't need to ask yourself to get it right the first time. After each adjustment, you can look back and see whether the method used this time is effective. If you encounter a similar situation next time, whether you should adjust it, you will gradually form your own habits, and you don't have to deliberately "control" your emotions.

To put it bluntly, emotional regulation is like when you learn to drive. At first you have to think about how to step on the accelerator and steer. After you become familiar with it, you don’t have to think at all. You will naturally know how to react when encountering situations. There is no need to pursue the perfect standard of "emotional stability" that is promoted on the Internet. Occasionally having an emotional breakdown, as long as you don't hurt yourself or others, there is actually no problem at all.