The difference between self-healing and self-healing

Self-healing is a lightweight way to relieve current emotions. The core is to "accommodate emotions" and does not seek to solve the root problem.； Self-healing is a systematic adjustment to deep-seated trauma or solidified cognition. The core is to "change the model" and ultimately complete the reconstruction of cognition and behavior. The relationship between the two is not between high and low, but more like the difference between applying moisturizer on a daily basis and going to the hospital for skin care. The applicable scenarios are completely different.

Last Wednesday, I rushed to work on the plan until two o'clock in the morning. The client sent me a last-minute message saying that I would overturn it all and start over. I stared at the computer screen and almost smashed the mouse. I opened the memo on my mobile phone and typed half a page of swear words. I scolded the client, the boss, and the stray cat that was still barking downstairs in the middle of the night. After cursing, I ordered a cup of iced milk tea with 30% sugar. When I took the first sip, I was 80% angry. I had to change the plan the next day. This is the most typical form of self-healing. I didn’t even dig into the question, “Why am I so intolerable to customers’ rejection? Is it the trauma of being denied too much by your parents in childhood? ”It's not necessary. It's enough that the current emotion has passed and will not affect the rest of your life and work.

Oh, by the way, don’t turn self-talk into self-PUA. I have seen people talk to me before, saying "you have to be sensible" and "you can't be angry" when talking to yourself. That is not relief at all, it is blocking emotions, but will cause problems. The core of Liaoyu is "non-judgment". It doesn't matter even if you scold yourself "Why are you so stupid?", as long as you are happy in the moment, there is no need to go online.

So what is self-healing? I used to know a girl who was a planner. We were in three relationships and they all ended up being cold-blooded or cheating on each other. Every time we fell out of love, she would drag us to drink and complain. After scolding the scumbag, she would go to work the next day. She seemed to have walked out a long time ago. But she later told me that every time she fell in love, she couldn't help but put the other person's needs first. Even if she worked overtime to death, if her boyfriend said he wanted to eat late-night snacks, she would go around half the city to buy them. She didn't dare to mention that she was wronged, for fear that the other person would leave her if he was unhappy. She later spent a whole year writing self-awareness notes three times a week and engaging in imagery dialogues with a counselor. She finally found the root cause: when she was a child, her mother always said, "If you don't obey, I won't want you." Subconsciously, she always felt that "I only deserve to be loved if I meet the needs of others." It wasn't until last month that she told me that her boyfriend had forgotten her birthday last week. Her first reaction was not "Did I do something bad and he doesn't love me anymore?" but she lost her temper directly with the other person and asked him to make up for the anniversary. At that moment, she was sure that her healing had really taken effect. You see, there are repetitions in this process, and there is the pain of opening up old wounds. It cannot be overcome by just chatting to yourself. You have to break the old thinking patterns and put them back together again, which is called healing.

Regarding the boundary between the two, the views of practitioners in different fields are actually quite different. Most positive psychology researchers recommend that ordinary people do more self-healing. Their view is that 80% of daily negative emotions are transient, just like sand in a shoe, just pour it out. There is no need to dismantle the shoe to check whether there is a problem with the workmanship. Excessive pursuit of "healing" will only lead to self-doubt about "do I have a psychological problem", which will increase internal friction. However, psychoanalytic counselors will repeatedly remind you: If you find that the same emotion keeps recurring, for example, you break down every time your boss says a few words, or you can't help but check the other person's phone every time you fall in love, then self-healing is just "covering your ears and stealing the bell", which is equivalent to repeated inflammation of the wound. You only put a band-aid on it every time, and it may look fine on the surface, but it has long suppurated inside. At this time, you must do systematic self-healing. Just "coaxing yourself to be happy" is useless.

Nowadays, a lot of content on the Internet confuses the two, either advocating that "all family trauma can be healed by writing self-talk letters in three months", or belittling self-talk as "escape from problems", which are actually quite one-sided. I once read about a blogger who said that he healed the trauma of childhood domestic violence by talking to himself. I asked a friend who does trauma therapy, and he said that it is not completely impossible, but it is most likely to be a "temporary emotional calm." If you really encounter a triggering scene, such as having a child in the future, or meeting someone with a similar temperament to the abuser at that time, your emotions will still be out of control - "healing" without systematic desensitization and cognitive reconstruction is essentially a healing.

I usually save a lot of little ways to heal myself. When I am unhappy, I just complain to the air, or go to the park for half an hour to chat with the calico cat on the roadside. These methods have never solved any of my deep-seated problems, but they can make me feel comfortable in the moment, which is enough. I really encountered the kind of hurdles that I couldn't get over no matter how much I talked about. For example, I had insomnia for a month in a row. Whenever I closed my eyes, I would think about the failure of the previous project. Then I would stop and sort it out slowly to find out whether I had an excessive fear of "losing control." The process was quite painful. It took almost two months to slowly get out of it. It was my own small self-healing.

In fact, you really don’t have to worry about whether what you are doing is healing or healing. If you feel comfortable and it won’t leave any hidden dangers for you later, then that’s fine. You can't force yourself to find out "Why am I so angry about things that are out of control" every time you spill milk tea, right? That's too tiring life. Of course, if you really encounter the kind of hurdle that you can't get over even if you drink ten cups of milk tea or curse a hundred curse words, don't just hide in Liao Yu's comfort zone. Dig the roots when you need to dig up the roots, and adjust when you need to adjust. After all, in our life, comfort is the first priority, right?