Self-healing and high emotional intelligence statement

There is no omnipotent "healing speech template". The so-called high emotional intelligence of self-healing is essentially to stop attacking yourself and use non-judgmental expression to achieve "alignment of true feelings and self-perception" - to put it bluntly, don't fight with yourself.

Not long ago, I received a girl who had just been working for half a year. Her plan to work overtime until 3 o'clock was rejected by her boss, and she was told in front of the entire department that she "didn't care". When she got home, she squatted in the hallway and started crying. Her first reaction was to slap the back of her hand and scold her, "You can't handle this little thing, why are you so useless?" I asked her to try to change her words. She didn't have to force herself to "cheer up", just say how she really felt at the moment. She held it in for a long time and whispered, "Oh, it turns out you are so tired now that you don't even have the strength to lift your hand to grab a tissue." As soon as she finished speaking, she burst into tears. After crying for half an hour, she got up and cooked a bowl of instant noodles with intestines. She was supposed to change her plan the next day, but nothing happened.

Consultants from different schools actually have quite different opinions on this matter. Teachers who practice CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) will say that this is "cognitive dissociation". You take yourself out of the bad emotions and become an observer. You are you, and emotions are emotions. There is no need to equate "I am broken now" with "I am a very useless person."」； However, counselors who engage in existentialism feel that there are not so many fancy concepts. The essence of this is "you finally see yourself as an individual" - if your friend was wronged and squatted in front of you crying, you would definitely not go up and scold her for being useless. You would probably hand her a tissue and ask her if she felt bad. Why would you choose the most heartbreaking things to say when you come here? Both statements are correct, but the essence is to tell you not to be cruel to yourself.

Many people have misunderstandings about "high emotional intelligence in self-healing" and think that they have to look in the mirror and shout "I am the best" and "everything will be fine" with positive energy. To put it bluntly, this is not healing at all, but self-PUA. Last year, a product manager from a large factory came to see me. He suffered from insomnia for three consecutive months. He said that he would shout "I can, I can do it" three times in front of the mirror every day when he got up. As a result, the more he shouted, the more panicked he became, and his palms became sweaty as soon as he sat down at his workstation. Why? Because the real voice in his heart is "I'm afraid that if this project is messed up I will be optimized", and he insists on shouting "I can". The two voices are fighting in his mind every day, and the internal friction consumes half of his life. How can he still have the energy to work?

Some people also say, isn’t this just making excuses for yourself? If you don't let me say a few words about you when you do something wrong, won't you become more and more arrogant in the future? I have actually met a visitor who held this view before. He was a high school teacher. He missed a big question when grading the final paper. His parents complained to the Academic Affairs Office. He hid in the office and scolded himself for being "irresponsible" and "unworthy of being a teacher" all afternoon. As a result, his hands were shaking for a week while grading papers, and he almost made mistakes several times. Later, she tried to change her explanation and said to herself, "Last week, I prepared for classes for three consecutive days until two o'clock. On the last day, I corrected papers until early morning. I was really distracted because I didn't have enough energy." Then she added, "After that, after correcting all the papers, I will take 10 minutes to read them all before submitting them." Guess what? She never made similar mistakes again. You see, it’s not that you can’t reflect, but you have to calm down your emotions before your rational brain can come online. As soon as you start, you scold yourself bloody, and your mind is filled with “I’m so bad.” How can you have time to think about how to solve the problem?

I have seen a lot of interesting ways of self-talk. There was a client who was a designer. He couldn't help scolding himself, "Why are you so stupid?" and then immediately said, "Ouch, our critic is out at work again?" "Come, sit down and speak slowly, I'll listen to what new words you have." I often feel bored after just two sentences, and it's time to revise the draft. There is also a little girl who works in operations. Every time she is wronged, she treats herself as her own daughter. If her daughter is wronged, you should say whatever you say to yourself. It has always worked. I also encountered something more interesting. Every time a client threw something when he was angry, he would say to himself after the throw, "Oh, you are so angry that you are going to explode, okay, let's throw something cheap. Don't throw your phone, it is expensive to repair." On the contrary, half of the anger disappeared immediately.

To put it bluntly, there is no standard answer to "high emotional intelligence". You don't need to memorize any words, and you don't need to force yourself to get better immediately. Just remember how well you take care of others' emotions externally, and be a little more patient with yourself internally. Don't kick yourself up when you see yourself crying. Squat down and hand over a piece of paper and ask yourself if you are tired. That's enough. Really, the softness you have towards yourself is the best healing medicine.