emotional regulation talking method

The core of the emotional regulation talking method is never to dump emotional garbage indiscriminately, but to complete the sorting out of inner feelings and the awareness of subconscious emotions through active and bounded expression, and finally achieve emotional resolution and cognitive adjustment. It includes both the form of confiding to others and the path of self-confidence. Not all confiding can regulate emotions, and only the right method is useful.

It may sound counter-intuitive, but in the five years I have been doing psychological counseling, at least 70% of the people I have seen use this method wrongly. Last week, a young girl who just graduated came to consult and said that she was laid off last week. She originally wanted to complain to her best friend to relieve her emotions, but she became more and more angry. In the end, the two of them had a quarrel because "you should not have joined that small company in the first place." It was just a panic at first, but ended up losing sleep for three days. This kind of situation where the more you talk, the worse it gets, is too common. Essentially, you don’t understand the underlying logic of talking.

There has been no unified conclusion in the academic community as to why talking can regulate emotions, and the opinions of different schools vary greatly. Practitioners of the psychoanalytic school will feel that the core of confiding is "seeing". When you suppress many negative emotions in your heart, they are like a chaotic black shadow. The process of speaking out is the process of spreading the shadow in the sun to see clearly. Even if you are just talking to an empty chair or a tree hole, as long as you speak out the grievances, anger, and unwillingness in your subconscious, most of the emotions will have disappeared. But researchers from the cognitive-behavioral school don’t think so. They believe that if your talk is all about catastrophizing statements such as “I’m so unlucky” and “I can’t do anything well”, it will actually strengthen your negative cognition. The more you talk, the more miserable you will feel. You must have someone who can give you positive feedback and help you identify cognitive biases when you speak. For example, if you say, “The boss scolded me, he was targeting me,” and the other party reminds you, “Didn’t he also scold that salesperson last week? He just had a bad temper that day." This kind of talk is useful. The perspective of positive psychology is different. They believe that you can't just talk about bad things, but you should also take the initiative to tap the positive resources around you as you talk. For example, after complaining about layoffs, just say "But the big company I invested in last week sent me an interview invitation today", so that the mood can change faster. These statements are all supported by empirical research. There is no absolute right or wrong, but they are applicable to different scenarios.

When I get emotional, I rarely talk to my friends immediately. Instead, I prefer to write in an old notebook. I don’t care about logic at all and just write whatever comes to mind. Last time, I stayed up three nights to catch up on an industry report. In the end, Party A said that it would overthrow it all and start over. I sat in front of the computer and my hands were shaking with anger. I opened my notebook and wrote three pages full of swear words. As I wrote, I started writing, "Actually, what Party A raised is not completely unreasonable. I really didn't smooth out the data on the sinking market last time." After I finished writing, I calmed down, and I also made a revision outline. You think it's magical or not. This method of self-confidence is especially suitable for people who are afraid of social anxiety, or who can't find a suitable person to talk to at the moment. You don't have to trouble others, and you don't have to worry about who your negative energy will affect. It's completely a conversation between yourself and yourself, without any worries.

Oh, by the way, many people on the Internet now say, "As adults, don't talk casually, no one really cares about your emotions." I half agree and half disagree with this. Indeed, if you don’t care whether the other person is busy or not, but just start talking about your bad things for half an hour without even a punctuation mark, everyone will feel burdened. I used to have a friend who would call me and cry at two o'clock in the middle of the night every time she fell out of love. She would cry for two hours each time. I had to go to work the next day. After answering her twice, I didn't dare to answer her late-night calls. You need to have a sense of boundaries when talking. Ask in advance, "Are you free now?" I'm worried about something and I want to chat with you." Don't make surprise attacks, and don't just catch the same person taking out the trash every time. No matter how good of a friend you are, you can't keep up with your negative energy output every day. If you really can't find the right person, it's very cost-effective to spend some money to find a psychological counselor. In essence, you are paying for a completely safe and non-judgmental space to talk, which is much better than struggling to deal with psychological problems.

In fact, to put it bluntly, talking is essentially a process of helping you remove the stone that is stuck in your heart. Others can help you at most, but in the end, whether you can remove the stone or not depends on you. But do you think the handle is important? It's so important. Many times you move by yourself, and you may not be able to move for half a year. If someone is there to chat with you, you suddenly feel energetic. I once met an entrepreneurial brother who complained to a friend that he lost 800,000 yuan. As he was talking, he suddenly laughed and said, "When I told you just now, I thought I would never be able to turn around in this life. Now that I think about it, I might have to start over again. Anyway, I still have the skills to make desserts." You see, this is the meaning of talking. It is never about asking others to give you ready-made answers. It is when you talk and figure out the answers yourself.