Self-healing methods

Self-healing is never about completely eliminating pain and forcing yourself to become an "always positive perfect person." It is about learning to coexist peacefully with the trauma that has occurred and the negative emotions that crop up from time to time, and to recover the energy spent on self-attack and repeated internal consumption. There is no need to force yourself to conform to any "standard healing process."

In the past two years, I worked on the project for more than three months. After the celebration party on the launch day, I just lay at home for a week, with my eyes open until dawn, and I didn't want to eat. I came across an overwhelming number of "self-healing guides" on the Internet, which told me to wake up early to be mindful, run three kilometers a day, and write three gratitude journals. I insisted on following these instructions for two weeks. One morning, the alarm clock rang and I couldn't get up. I sat in bed and cried for almost half an hour. I felt that I couldn't even "get better." Or did my supervisor wake me up with one sentence: "You are so tired, and you still force yourself to complete the 'healing KPI'? This is not called healing, it is called self-abuse. ”

In fact, there is no unified standard for self-healing in the field of psychology. Psychodynamic counselors will be more inclined to "tracing the source" - most of your current emotional outbursts are not caused by current events, but are wounds hidden in your subconscious that were not seen in your early years. For example, if you tremble all over and can't help but apologize when your boss questions you, it may not mean that you really did something wrong. It may be that even if you scored 98 points in elementary school, you would still be chased by your parents when you came home and asked where you lost those 2 points. The memory has always been hidden in your body, and it will hurt when you encounter similar scenes. But practitioners of the cognitive behavioral school believe that there is no need to dig so deep into the root cause. It is more important to resolve the immediate emotional reaction first: when you are really anxious and out of breath, do the grounding technique for 5 minutes, touch a cold mug with your fingertips, count 3 different sounds around you, step on your feet to feel the hardness of the floor, and bring the emotions floating in the air back to the present first. This is much more useful than sitting there looking through childhood memories. There is no difference between the two ideas, they are just suitable for people in different situations.

There are two opinions that are very hotly debated on the Internet right now. One is that "healing requires talking about the pain, and talking is the only way out." The other is that "telling people about their wounds is a betrayal. Adults have to digest it on their own." In fact, both of them are too absolute. One of my previous visits was a typical case of social anxiety. I had been a PUA at work for half a year. I listened to my friends’ advice and forced myself to complain to my relatives and friends one by one. As a result, it took me two days to calm down every time I finished speaking. I always felt that I had transmitted my negative emotions to others, which in turn aggravated my internal friction. Later, she changed her approach and bought a locked notebook. She would write whatever came to her mind every day, including swearing and making faces. After filling the notebook, she would throw it away. Three months later, she told me that she no longer had to panic every time she thought about that experience. You see, the essence of talking is to "pour out your emotions." It doesn't matter whether you speak with your mouth, write with your hands, or shout into an empty room.

I have been doing counseling for so many years, and most of the most effective healing methods I have seen are not high-level theories, but rather trivial things that cannot meet the "standard guidelines". There was a girl who grew up with her grandma. After her grandma passed away, she was depressed for more than half a year. She tried mindfulness and cognitive adjustment to no avail. Later, every time she missed her grandma, she would go to the old vegetable market near her home and buy the candy cakes that her grandma always brought for her. She would squat on the roadside and eat them. She would cry while eating. After crying, she would buy one and put it in her pocket, and she slowly recovered. There was also a boy who had failed to start a business and owed a lot of money. He always felt that he could not hold his head up and even did not dare to go to dinner with friends. He later went to the park to feed ham sausage to stray cats every day after get off work for half a year. He said that every time he saw the cats walking around him and rubbing his palms, he felt that he was "needed."

Oh, by the way, there are still many people asking whether to reconcile with their original family. This is even more controversial. Some people say that they must be cut off to start a new life. Some people say that blood is thicker than water and must be forgiven. In fact, how can there be so many black and white? My cousin was forced to get married and have children every time she came home. She hid for two years without returning home and spent the Chinese New Year eating instant noodles in a rented house. Later, she tried to tell her mother directly: "If you ever mention getting married and having children again, I won't come back for half a year." ”Her mother really never mentioned it again. Now the mother and daughter talk about which restaurant has discounted food every time they video chat, and whether the neighbor's dog has given birth to puppies. On the contrary, they are much more comfortable than before. But I also have a friend who was exploited by a patriarchal family since she was a child. After working, her monthly salary was taken away to buy a house for her younger brother. She directly blocked everyone in the family. Now she has settled out of town, raised two cats, and goes hiking on weekends. She lives a very comfortable life. Whose choice do you think is wrong? It’s all right, as long as you feel comfortable with it, it’s right.

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