Mental health and happy growth content

The ability to accurately perceive one's own emotions, the sense of proportion to clearly distinguish the boundaries between oneself and others, and the resilience to quickly adjust one's state after setbacks - this is the most practical conclusion I have come to after working on the frontline of psychology in primary and secondary schools for 7 years and encountering nearly a thousand family cases.

Last fall, when I met Xiaoyu, who was in the first grade of junior high school at the street psychological service station, he was squatting in the corridor crying with his monthly test report card in hand. He was ranked fifth in the class and in the 20th grade. Any other parent would have been happy. His mother stood beside him and frowned and said, "We didn't put any pressure on him. This child is just too preoccupied. Do you think he has a psychological problem?" ”

From the perspective of classic psychoanalysis, Xiaoyu's "preoccupation" is actually a subconscious connection between "parents' satisfaction" and "self-worth." The words he heard most since he was a child are "mom and dad work hard to make money for you." So the first reaction after passing the exam is not to be happy, but to "finally make my parents feel relieved." When he performs abnormally, the first thought that pops up is "I'm sorry for my parents' efforts." If a consultant from the positive psychology school were to deal with it, there is a high probability that he would not spend too much time digging into his childhood past, but would directly take him to do "emotion tracing exercises" and write down every time he has a negative emotion: "How do I feel now? Is this feeling for myself or to meet other people’s expectations? ”

I didn't talk to him about studying at the time, so I asked him when was the last time he felt completely relaxed and happy. He thought about it for a long time and said that last month he went hiking in a country park with his classmates, climbed to the top of the mountain and ate popsicles while blowing in the wind. At that time, he didn't think about the exam at all. I left him a small task: no matter how much homework he has, he must spend two hours every week to do something that is "completely useless and just makes me happy". There is no need to report it to anyone. Last month, his mother came over to give feedback, saying that he didn't make it into the top 20 of his grade last midterm. He went home and muttered to himself, "I was careless in the multiple-choice question this time."

In the recent consultations from parents, nine out of ten people will ask, "My child has been losing his temper/emo lately. Is it mentally unhealthy?" ”

There are actually two completely opposite educational views on this issue: one group advocates that "negative emotions should be channeled immediately and cannot be kept in the heart", and even advocates "emotional clearing". When a child is unhappy, he should immediately coax and reason with him, for fear that he will cause problems if he holds it back.； The other group believes that "negative emotions are normal and should be left to the child to handle." If he cries, just let him cry as much as he wants and leave it alone.

To be honest, both of these are too extreme. Last month, there was a little girl in second grade who cried for almost half an hour when she went home because her teacher didn't put her painting on the display wall in art class. Her grandmother was so anxious that she wanted to call the teacher and said, "My child has never suffered this kind of injustice." I happened to be visiting her house at the time, so she stopped her. I knelt down and asked her, "Do you feel aggrieved that you didn't get selected because you worked so hard on the painting?" ”She nodded, and I asked again, "Then where do you think your paintings are the best?" ”She told me that the painting she drew was of her own cat, and the cat's whiskers were glued with her own hair. I said, "Wow, this is such a great idea. It's a pity that the teacher didn't see it. Otherwise, why don't you post the painting on the entrance of our house?" It is the first thing every guest who comes to your home sees. ”She stopped crying immediately and ran to get tape to stick the picture on.

You see, there is no need to go to the teacher immediately to "ask for justice", nor to force the child to "bear it for a while". First, catch the emotion, and then give him the space to digest and make his own choices. This is the source of resilience. I often make an analogy to parents. A child's psychology is actually like a small medicine box at home. You can't just take the best antibiotics right away for a minor cold, otherwise the medicine won't work when you get a serious illness. You can't still carry a fever up to 39 degrees, as that can easily lead to burn problems. Appropriate small setbacks and small unhappiness are actually opportunities for the psychological "immune system" to practice.

Don't believe it, many times what we adults think is "no big deal" is a big deal in the minds of children.

There is still a hotly debated topic on the Internet right now: “Does growing up happily mean that you don’t have to study hard and endure hardship? ”Some people say that today’s children are overwhelmed by pressure, and they must be completely free to grow up happily. ； Some people also say, "Happy growth is poisonous chicken soup. If you don't suffer the hardship of study now, you will suffer the hardship of life later."

I tutored a group at a summer camp last summer. There was a little boy who was so pampered by his family that he didn't have to do any work. When he went to the summer camp, he had to set up his own tent. It took him half an hour to set up the tent. He sat on the ground and cried, saying, "I want to go home. This is not happy at all." Later, we accompanied him to read the instructions step by step, and it took almost an hour to finally set it up. He jumped so high that he said, "This is the first time I have set up a tent by myself!" I'm so awesome! ”Do you think it was hard for him to set up the tent for half an hour? It's definitely bitter, but the happiness after it's completed cannot be exchanged for ten sticks of ice cream.

Real happy growth never means "no bitterness at all", but after you have experienced bitterness, you can taste the sweetness of getting things done by your own abilities. On the contrary, I feel that growth without any pressure is false growth, just like flowers growing in a greenhouse, which will fall when the wind blows. On the contrary, those who have been exposed to a few light rains and a few suns will grow stronger. Of course, this pressure must be "just a jump away". If you ask a child who usually scores 60 points to test 100 next time, that would be pressure overload. But if you ask him to try to score 65 next time, that will be the motivation for growth.

After all, I have been in this business for so long, and I have never seen anyone achieve their mental health by taking a few psychology classes and memorizing a few positive slogans. It’s hidden in those ten minutes when you come home from get off work and see your child squatting on the ground looking at ants. You won’t urge him to “go home and do his homework.” ； Hidden in the action when he failed the exam, you hugged him first and then talked about the wrong question. ； When you encounter something annoying, don't say "I'm fine", but tell him "Mom is a little tired from work today, I want to sit down for a while and have a cup of tea".

After all, the best mental health education is that the people around you will grow up as you live.