The difference and connection between self-healing and self-regulation

Self-regulation is an "instant patch" to deal with current mood/state deviations, and its core function is to stop losses.； Self-healing is a "system update" that repairs deep trauma/cognitive dislocation, and its core function is tracing the source. There is no relationship between the two as one replaces the other. They are a continuous spectrum from surface emergency to deep reconstruction. They are both necessary tools for ordinary people to deal with emotional difficulties. There is no distinction between high and low.

When I do psychological science popularization in the community, the most frequently asked question is "I'm anxious recently. Should I do mindfulness adjustment or go to a counselor for therapy?" 」In fact, the answer is very simple. First, it depends on whether you can live a normal life in your current situation. For example, if you were criticized by a client today and stayed up late for two long nights to catch up with clients, you would feel irritable. You could calm down after half an hour of eating spicy hot pot, running around twice, and complaining to your friends. This is the scope of self-regulation, and it is not a crime to mobilize people to dig out childhood trauma. You said that at this time, you insisted on sitting there and thinking, "I was ignored as a child, so I can't stand the negation of others." You are simply making yourself unhappy.

Most practitioners of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) prefer the practicality of self-regulation. After all, when most people come to us, the first thing they want to solve is "I feel too uncomfortable now. Can you make me feel better first?" Adjusting current cognitive biases and doing some physical relaxation training can often achieve quick results. This is why most of the emotional skills popularized online now are in the regulation category. The threshold is low, the results are quick, and ordinary people can use them.

But I have also met many people who said that they have tried all these methods, but they are useless. They just finished adjusting for a long time, and then they turned around and fell into emotions again. For example, a little girl came to see me last month. Every time she quarreled with her boyfriend, she forced herself to take 478 breaths and told herself "Don't be angry and don't internalize." As a result, after half a year, she was diagnosed with breast nodules. After talking with her, she discovered that the source of her anger every time was her boyfriend. She always habitually denies her thoughts, which completely coincides with her experience when her father always denies her feelings when she was a child. Her so-called "adjustment" is essentially suppressing her emotions without solving the root problem at all. At this time, she must enter the category of self-healing.

Speaking of this, I have to mention the two schools of thought that are currently quarreling on the Internet: One school is the "regulation and suppression theory", which says that all self-regulation is denying emotions, is a cover-up, and will eventually lead to serious illness.； The other school is the "healing hypocritical theory". Those who talk about trauma and healing all the time are idle. When they are really busy, they lose all emotion. In fact, both opinions go to extremes. I have seen people who relied on adjustment for three months while working on a project, and then collapsed and were hospitalized after the project. I have also seen people who stay at home every day and do nothing, saying "I have family trauma that needs to be healed." They are completely out of touch with society. There is no absolutely correct method, it just depends on your current needs.

If you really want to dig into it, the two are not separated at all. Many times as you adjust, the entrance to healing will appear naturally. For example, every time you are criticized by your boss, you spend half an hour adjusting your emotions. The more times you do it, you will naturally wonder, "Why is it that it doesn't matter to other colleagues when they say a few words to me, but I have to calm down for half a day every time?" 」This nonjudgmental awareness itself is the beginning of healing. On the other hand, as the healing progresses for a long time, you will find that the things that you once needed to make special efforts to adjust now no longer matter at all. I have a client who has been in therapy for more than a year. She used to regret speaking loudly to others, but now she can retaliate on the spot when she is wronged. After the retort, she can eat and drink without having to adjust her emotions at all - because she no longer has the obsession of "I have to make everyone like me" in her heart, so her emotions will naturally not fluctuate.

I often make an analogy to my clients: self-regulation is like being spilled by oil while cooking. You quickly take a shower with cold water and apply burn ointment, and the pain will stop immediately.； Self-healing means that you later find out that you are always getting splashed by oil because your posture when holding the pot is wrong, or because the range hood is broken and the oil smoke always floats to your face. You have to adjust your posture, repair the range hood, or even change the pot to a more comfortable one, so that you will not always get splashed in the future. You can't say that showering with cold water is useless, and you can't say that the pot hasn't been replaced yet, so you can't just hold it in without showering with cold water if it gets splashed, right?

In fact, to put it bluntly, whether it is adjustment or healing, you are essentially learning to get along well with yourself. There is no need to worry about which one is higher, and there is no need to listen to people on the Internet saying that "if you don't heal, you will never get rid of the pain." The best method is the method that you can use now and make you feel more comfortable. After all, for us ordinary people, being able to live a comfortable life is more important than any other concept.