The Psychology of Self-Healing: Strategies for Coping with Various Everyday Psychological Problems

The vast majority of daily psychological distress - including repeated emotional internal conflict, periodic anxiety, a sense of low worth after social defeat, and hidden trauma left by the family of origin, as long as it does not reach the level of clinically diagnosed moderate to severe mood disorder, does not need to rely on drugs or long-term psychological counseling. As long as the three basic principles of "centering on one's own characteristics, not pursuing standardized correctness, and allowing dynamic adjustment" are mastered, and combined with small methods adapted to personal habits, ordinary people can completely complete self-healing independently. This is a conclusion I have verified through 7 years of clinical consultation, a total of 1,200+ hours of case service, and visits from people of different ages and professions.

Last week, a girl who works in Internet operations came to me and said that for three months in a row, she checked her mobile phone until 2 o'clock before going to bed. She refused to go to bed even though there was no work to be done. She scolded herself for procrastination when she woke up during the day. She also always felt that her colleagues in the department did not like her. She went to the hospital and was tested for mild anxiety. The doctor said that she could self-regulate first. She saved a whole collection of favorite methods: mindful breathing, emotional diary, and positive affirmation. She practiced it for half a month, but it was of no use at all. Instead, she became more anxious and felt, "Why can't I even regulate my emotions well?"

This is actually the first pitfall that most people fall into when trying to heal themselves: they always look for the "recognized correct method" but forget to first look at what suits them. If you look through textbooks from different schools, you will find that everyone’s opinions are completely different: the psychoanalytic approach will tell you that your refusal to sleep is to avoid subconscious job burnout, and you must first find the source of childhood-related trauma. ； The cognitive behavioral school will say that your core belief of "I must be recognized by everyone" has gone awry, and you need to make cognitive adjustments first. ； Humanism will tell you that you have not taken care of your true needs for too long, and you must first learn to accept yourself. These statements are all correct. They are essentially tools for tightening screws. However, whether you use cross screws or slotted screws depends on the shape of your own screw. If you use a kitchen knife to tighten it, you will not only be unable to unscrew it, but you will also easily injure yourself.

I once had a male client who worked in back-end development, a typical science and engineering man with a high sense of logic. If you asked him to "accept his own vulnerability," he would sit in the consulting room for five minutes and not know how to feel about being "vulnerable." Later, he figured out a method on his own. Every time he was too irritable to write code, he would open a blank document and write an "emotional bug troubleshooting log": treat anxiety as a program problem to be identified, list out trigger conditions, abnormal behaviors, and possible solution paths. After writing, his emotions calmed down. He said it was 100 times more effective than asking him to meditate and have mindfulness. Now this method has been spread in his department, and several male colleagues have followed it when they are stressed.

It’s interesting to say that many people’s misunderstanding about self-healing is that they think they must “cultivate their mind”, explore inwardly, and have a dialogue with their emotions. However, for people who are more rational and are not used to expressing their feelings, asking them to ponder their emotions is more difficult than solving a complex algorithm problem. It is better to treat emotions as an objective problem to be solved, which is more smooth.

Oh, by the way, there is another misunderstanding, that is, many people think that self-healing is to "get rid of negative emotions", and feel that they have "failed to heal" whenever they feel anxious or irritated. I also panicked during the lockdown last year. I stocked up on a balcony with vegetables. My heart beat faster every day when I read news from the owner group. I tried all kinds of breathing techniques and grounding techniques, but they didn’t work. Later, I simply spent an hour every afternoon squatting on the balcony to water the vegetables. Today, the lettuce grew a few more leaves and the tomatoes sprouted a few new shoots. During that hour, I didn’t think about anything, I just stared at the water drops on the leaves, but I slowly became calmer. Only later did I realize, isn’t this what Morita therapy calls “doing the right thing”? Don't always focus on the goal of "I want to get rid of anxiety", and instead do small things that are specific and have small feedback, and your emotions will fall.

There was a lot of quarrel online before about "should we reconcile with our family of origin?" In fact, there is no standard answer in self-healing. The school of psychoanalysis will advocate looking back on the past, talking to parents about the problems of the past, and completing complex repairs. ； But the view of cognitive behavioral and postmodern short-term therapy is exactly the opposite: you don’t have to force yourself to reconcile with your parents. As long as you draw a clear boundary and focus on your current life, the influence of the past will naturally fade. I have a client who was used to being denied by his mother when he was a child. Now he gets angry when he hears other people's opinions. He forced himself to have deep conversations with his mother three times before, but each time he was so loud that he slammed the door, which made him even more uncomfortable. Later, she stopped talking at all and moved out by herself. She only called her mother for 10 minutes a week to report that she was safe, and spent the rest of the time in the rock climbing gym. After climbing for half a year, she is now able to work as an amateur team coach. The last time she came to me for a review, she said that yesterday the leader gave her suggestions for changes to her requirements. Her first reaction was no longer "Does he look down on me?" but "Oh, this adjustment direction is indeed more reasonable" - you see, there is never only one path to reconciliation, and you don't have to force yourself to follow the path chosen by others.

If I really want to remind everyone, don’t make self-healing a new KPI. I have seen people force themselves to write 500 words in an emotional diary every day. If they miss a day of writing, they will scold themselves for poor self-discipline. It was originally a tool to relieve anxiety, but it has become a new source of stress, which is completely unnecessary. There is no check-in indicator for self-healing. If you don’t want to be mindful today, don’t think about it. If you don’t want to write in a diary, don’t write it. Just lie on the sofa and watch useless funny short videos for half an hour. As long as you feel comfortable, that is the best way to heal today. I once had a client who was a kindergarten teacher. The way she healed her childhood neglect was to buy herself an orange-flavored lollipop after get off work every day, squat on the fitness equipment in the community to eat, and then go upstairs. It was such a small thing, and she persisted for half a year. She said that the empty place in her heart that she always felt before was slowly filled.

In fact, in the final analysis, self-healing has never meant that you become a "perfect person" without negative emotions. It just means that when you encounter difficulties next time, you don't have to panic and find others to help you. You have candy in your pocket and a light in your hand. You know how to make yourself comfortable and how to move forward. That's enough.