emotional regulation talking method

This is a psychological adjustment technology that achieves emotional relief through self- or interpersonal expression. It is not an ordinary venting of complaints. Its effect has been verified by mainstream psychology schools. However, the specific operation methods vary greatly depending on the school's claims, individual status, and the setting of the confession. There is no universal standard template.

To put it bluntly, many people's misunderstanding of this method is that they essentially regard "taking out the trash" as talking, and the more they take out the garbage, the more stinky it becomes. When I worked as an assistant in a psychological counseling studio, I saw too many people who fell into the trap: There was a girl who worked in Internet operations. For three days in a row, she took her best friend and scolded the leader for being an idiot. After the scolding, she felt really good that day. When she entered the company and saw the leader's workstation the next day, the anger suddenly came back. She suffered from insomnia for half a month, and finally came to the consultation to get over it. Have you ever had this experience? I tell people the same bad thing over and over again. Not only do I not let it go, but I remember the emotional details of that time more and more clearly. I will explode next time if I trigger it a little bit.

In fact, there is no unified view in the academic circles as to whether one should use logic when talking. In the past two years, I looked at the follow-up research conducted by Seligman's team in positive psychology. They conducted more than 2,000 sets of controlled experiments and found that the emotional relief efficiency of structured talk was more than five times that of illogical complaints. What is structuring? That is, you can't just say "My boss is really stupid", you have to say "Today I changed three versions of the plan and he rejected it without reading it. I feel that my labor is completely disrespected, and I especially want him to tell me where I don't meet the requirements." - Essentially, through expression, you complete the three steps of naming emotions, attributing events, and sorting out needs. If you can't tell whether you are wronged or angry, you just feel "I'm so annoyed", then this emotion will stay stuck there until you can accurately call it by name, and it will begin to dissolve. This conclusion is supported by data: For subjects who completed structured talk, their negative emotional levels dropped by an average of 47% after a week, while for those who only complained about their emotions, the drop rate was less than 10%, and 12% even felt worse than before due to repeated reinforcement of negative scenes.

However, almost half of the psychoanalytically oriented counselors I have come into contact with do not agree with this “must be structured” requirement. My supervisor once said that when many people are emotional, their minds are completely blank and their words are difficult to speak. If you ask them to clarify the causes and consequences and express their needs clearly, isn't that forcing them to do something difficult? I was deeply impressed by a boy who had just lost his love. He cried for 20 minutes during the first interview. He kept saying "I really miss her" over and over again. There was no logic, and he didn't say anything about specific events or needs. But after crying and talking, he touched his chest and said that when he came here just now, it felt like a ball of water-soaked cotton, and now it feels much lighter. In the framework of psychoanalysis, the core of talking is not to explain something clearly, but whether you are in a "holding environment" - to put it bluntly, it means whether the person listening to you will judge you, will give you random advice, and will talk about your private affairs everywhere. As long as the other party can firmly catch your emotions, even if you speak confusingly and do not match the words at the beginning, it can also play a role in reducing the emotional load. Oh, by the way, I have seen many people talk to AI before about fear, and the effect is actually quite good. Essentially, the AI ​​will not judge you. It will follow whatever you say, which just meets the requirements of persistence.

No matter which school of thought you believe in, there is a pitfall that everyone must avoid: If you find the wrong person to talk to, it is better to hold it in. A friend of mine lost his job last year. He was just complaining to his cousin-in-law that "It's been hard to find a job lately." Then her cousin-in-law spread the word about his unemployment to the whole family. When he went home for dinner during the Chinese New Year, his seven aunts and eight aunts took turns asking, "Why haven't you found a job yet?" Do you want me to introduce you to a job as a security guard? ”The mentality that had been adjusted fell to pieces on the spot. There are also those who give you chicken soup from the very beginning, such as "Everything will get better" and "Be more optimistic", or give you advice at every turn, "Why don't you resign?" "Why don't you break up with him?" After listening to this, you will only feel more confused - you originally just wanted to find someone to talk about how uncomfortable you are, but the other person either tells you that you shouldn't feel uncomfortable, or tells you that you are uncomfortable because you are stupid. This is not called talking, this is called looking for guilt.

I have been using this method for almost five years, and I have found some methods that suit me. If my emotions are so intense that my mind goes blank, I'll find that best friend who won't come up with random ideas. No matter what I say, she'll just echo "Ah, this is too much" and "You're really wronged." Let the anger out first. ； If my mood is a little more stable, I will write an emotional diary. In fact, I will talk to myself. When I write, I will unconsciously sort out the cause and effect, and I will find things I didn't notice before: the last time my partner and I had a fight. At first, I thought it was all his fault. As I wrote, I remembered that the information I promised to give him was one day late. In fact, I was also a little unjust. After writing, most of my anger disappeared.

After all, there is no standard answer to the matter of emotional regulation, and the same is true for the talking method - after you finish speaking, the tightness in your chest dissipates, then you have used it correctly. If you are even more annoyed after speaking, don't doubt it, either change your words, or change the person who listens to you, it's as simple as that.