Thoughts after listening to children’s mental health lecture

Last week, I attended a charity lecture on children’s mental health organized by the District Education Bureau. The core takeaway can be explained in one sentence - the root cause of so-called "problem behaviors" such as "rebellion, sensitivity, dislike of learning, and crying" displayed by the vast majority of children is never "children are not sensible", but adults are accustomed to judging children's emotions in their own cognitive coordinate system. There is no one-size-fits-all solution to this matter. The intervention ideas of different schools of psychology are very different, and adapting to the characteristics of the child is the most important thing.

To be honest, I originally went there with the mentality of "learning how to treat my noisy child". Three days before I went, I just threw away the Ultraman Cards that he had saved for half a month as garbage. He sat on the ground and cried for almost two hours. I even scolded him with my hands on my hips, "What's the point of this little bit of paper? Can't I buy you ten more boxes?" ”, it really hurts to look back now.

What impressed me most about the entire lecture was a coded consultation room video played by the registered psychologist who was giving the lecture: a 7-year-old boy was dragged in by his mother and said that he "deliberately wets the bed and refuses to change despite repeated admonitions. Even beating and scolding has no effect." Many parents present nodded and said that their children had also gone through this stage of deliberate opposition. As a result, we found out as we continued through the consultation process that the boy's parents were getting divorced every day. Every time he cried, his mother would hug him and say, "If it wasn't for you, I would have left a long time ago." The child discovered the pattern himself: as long as he wets the bed, his mother would be busy changing his sheets and complaining about his ignorance. She had no time to quarrel with his father, and would not mention packing up and leaving.

There was an immediate argument at the scene. A lecturer in the field of psychoanalysis said that this is a defense mechanism activated by the child's subconscious. The essence is to use self-sacrifice to save the family. The relationship between the parents must be sorted out before the child's behavior can be solved. ； The elementary school teacher sitting in the row in front of me answered the question and said that their school’s psychology department uses behaviorism’s positive reinforcement method. As long as the child does not wet the bed for three consecutive days, the child will be given a prize in exchange for a small red flower. Most of the similar behavioral problems can be corrected in half a month. ； Another mother who brought her second child raised her hand and said that her eldest son had the same problem of peeing his pants before. She found a consultant from the family system and directly asked the couple to have consultation together. He said that the child is the "symptom carrier" of the family relationship. After the adult conflict was resolved, the child's problem naturally disappeared. After three consultations in her family, the child has not peed his pants again. Which one do you think is right? It seems that each one is supported by real cases, and there is no standard answer at all.

Oh, by the way, the lecturer also mentioned a particularly poignant case. A parent brought her second-grade child to her, saying that the child had concentration problems. During art class, he always stared at the birds outside the window and refused to listen. No matter how much he scolded him, it was useless. She chatted with the child alone for ten minutes before she found out that the child's grandmother had just passed away last week. Her grandmother had told him before that people would turn into birds when they left. He was staring out the window to find which bird his grandmother had turned into. I was sitting there and my nose immediately got sore. You see, we adults are always eager to label our children: ADHD, introverted, ignorant, and rebellious, but we are too lazy to even squat down and ask "What are you thinking about?" We use our own thirty-year-old ruler to measure a six-year-old child. Aren't there "problems" everywhere?

After attending the lecture, the first thing I did when I got home was to apologize to my son and tell him that I shouldn't just throw away his card. He was stunned for a long time with the popsicle in his mouth, and then he said that the card was the "honor card" given to him by his best friend who scored 95 points in the last math test. "Sero is the son of Guang. Only those with high scores can be Guang's friends." I realized then that the piece of scrap paper that I thought was worthless was in his world grades, friendship, and the connection between him and the little hero. I could buy ten boxes of new cards to replace them.

I still don’t fully understand which method to teach my child. When he procrastinates on his homework, I still use points to exchange toys to urge him. When he has a tantrum outside, I can’t help but get angry occasionally, but at least now when he cries, I won’t say “Don’t cry” immediately. Instead, I will squat down and ask him, “Did that incident just now make you particularly uncomfortable? ”. Last week, he took the initiative to give me a new Ultraman card and said, "Mom, you now understand Ultraman and are also Light's friend."

To be honest, this lecture did not teach me how to "get" my child. Instead, it taught me how to put down my own ego first. Don't always think about being a "life mentor". First, be a friend who can understand his little world. It is more effective than any other educational method.