Children's mental health content

Being able to flexibly resolve negative emotions without causing internal friction, having a stable understanding of oneself that does not fluctuate due to external evaluation, being able to adapt to the social environment and not over-consuming oneself to cater to the needs - this is the most practical summary after I have been doing children's psychological intervention for 7 years and contacted more than 400 families.

The first thing many parents say when they come to me is, "My child is always throwing tantrums/not talkative/unsociable. Is there a psychological problem?" ”, in fact, most people’s understanding of children’s mental health still remains at “well-behaved in line with public expectations”. As long as the child deviates from the standard of “cheerful, sensible, and obedient”, they feel that something is wrong. Oh, by the way, there is another common misunderstanding. Many people think that "psychologically healthy children have no temper and are sensible." This is really a huge misunderstanding. I have seen too many children who are too sensible, but have problems when they grow up, because their emotions have always been suppressed and they dare not speak out. Over time, they either become depressed or cannot contain themselves once they explode.

Let’s first talk about the emotional regulation issue that is most likely to go astray. The emphasis of different schools in this industry is actually quite different: psychoanalytically oriented counselors will place more emphasis on emotional fluidity and believe that crying, fussing, and anger are normal emotional outlets for children, but if they are suppressed, they will become somatic problems, such as nail biting, bedwetting, and unexplained stomachaches. ； However, counselors with a behaviorist orientation will feel that just giving an outlet is not enough, and they must teach children specific solutions. For example, when they are angry, they can go to the calming corner and sit for 5 minutes, or squeeze a stress ball, and they cannot roll around on the floor when they are unhappy. When I practice on my own, I usually combine both sides. I met a little boy in second grade, Haohao, who tore up his textbook when he got angry. Don’t tell me, when he first came here, he clenched his fists and his face turned red. No matter how scolded his parents refused to explain the reason, I first gave him a soft I had a lot of fun decompressing and accompanying him to glue up the torn textbooks page by page, listening to his complaints while gluing, only to find out that he was angry because his deskmate snatched his eraser, and the teacher scolded him for making trouble indiscriminately. He felt extremely wronged. No one was willing to listen to what he had to say before. After he calmed down, I made an agreement with him. Next time he was angry and wanted to tear something up, he would tear up the colored paper I had prepared for him in advance instead of tearing up the textbook. After three attempts, he never tore up the book again.

Compared with emotional problems, what is more hidden is actually the child's self-perception bias. Humanistic scholars have always emphasized the need to give children unconditional positive attention. In human terms, you love them because of themselves, not because they scored 100 points on the test, can recite 100 ancient poems, or performed in front of relatives. ； However, constructivist researchers will feel that empty praise is harmful. For example, if you tell a child "you are the best" or "you are the smartest" every day, he will easily collapse when he encounters setbacks, because his self-worth is entirely supported by external praise and has no sense of reality at all. A while ago, a mother brought her third grader Dodo to come to me and said that her child did not do well in the handicraft class last time. She sat in the classroom and cried for two hours, unable to persuade her. When I asked, I found out that Dodo’s parents had only praised her for being “smart” and “awesome” since she was a child, and had never told her, “It doesn’t matter if she doesn’t do well. Let's try a few more times." She defaults to herself as "should do everything well." When she encounters a slight setback, she feels that she is very poor as a whole. This is a typical self-perception inconsistency - when she is good, she feels that she is the best in the world, and when she is bad, she feels that she is useless. There is no buffer zone in between.

In addition to inner emotions and cognition, "being gregarious" and "being polite" that many parents are most anxious about actually fall into the category of social adaptation. This area is actually quite controversial in the industry: Conservative developmental psychologists will think that children should learn to abide by social rules as early as possible, such as saying hello when meeting people, sharing with children, and not talking back to teachers, otherwise they will suffer in adapting to society in the future. ； However, researchers who prefer positive psychology believe that as long as the child feels comfortable, even if he does not like to say hello to others and likes to play by himself, it is not a problem at all. I once met a little boy who was in the upper class. He always sat in the corner and built blocks by himself in kindergarten. The teacher said that he was not gregarious. His parents were extremely anxious and brought him over for evaluation. As a result, I chatted with him for half an hour. He told me that the blocks he built were a Mars base with a defense system. The logic was very clear. I asked him if he liked playing with children. He said, "The chasing game they play is too boring. It is more interesting for me to build blocks by myself." You see, as long as he doesn't feel lonely, it's not a social disorder at all. Children's temperaments are inherently divided into easy-to-grow, difficult-to-grow, and sluggish types. Just like some flowers bloom in spring and some bloom in autumn, is there any unified "normal" standard?

In fact, the longer I work in this field, the more I feel that children’s mental health is nothing mysterious and lofty. To put it bluntly, adults should not put their own expectations on their children. Allow them to cry, allow them to be slow, and allow them to be different from others. That’s enough. Of course, don’t overdo it. You think it’s okay for your children to be noisy. You still need to have a sense of boundaries – after all, a healthy psychology is inherently flexible and not black and white.