Eight tips for children’s mental health

1. Receive your emotions first and don’t blame them if you talk back.

2. Give sovereignty to small matters and speak less about big principles.

3. When you make a mistake, ask why first and don’t compare yourself to others.

4. Be attentive when accompanying you, don’t play and stare at the same time.

5. It’s not shameful to cry, and it’s allowed to show weakness.

6. Don’t force your interests, encourage your curiosity.

7. Respect boundaries and keep small secrets private.

8. Dare to apologize for disagreements, and treat parents and children as equals

I just received a mother and son last Wednesday. Their child has just entered the second grade. The mother said that in the past six months, the child has suddenly become like a little firecracker, exploding after a few words. He used to do whatever he was asked to do, but now he can argue with you for ten minutes if you ask him to eat an extra bite of vegetables. She has tried scolding and cold violence, but it doesn't work. Instead, the child now closes the door when he comes home from school and doesn't even talk to her about school.

I pointed out the first formula to her at that time. In fact, different academic schools have different opinions on this point: Psychoanalysis believes that when children aged 6-12 years old talk back, it is essentially an aggressive externalization after the emergence of self-awareness. It is him testing "Can I have my own opinion?"” ； Behaviorists would think that in past communication, the child could only be heard by talking back, which gradually strengthened this behavior. But no matter which type of intervention plan, the first step is to stop labeling people as "rebellious" or "ignorant" and take over their emotions first. She tried it once when she went home. The child came in after school at night and shouted, "I don't want to go to math class anymore." Before, she would have scolded her, "What are you going to do if you don't go to school?" But that day she held it in and said, "Oh?" Did you bully you in math class today? ”, the child cried immediately, saying that the teacher did not see him raising his hand to answer the question today, and was laughed at by his deskmate, and he had to hold it in all afternoon. You see, with just one sentence, the child's emotions that had been stored up for a long time were released. It was not "ignorant" at all. Of course, this does not mean that it is always right for a child to talk back. After you catch the emotion and wait for him to calm down before you can reason with him, it will be more effective than saying a hundred words when he is angry.

When it comes to "don't compare yourself to other families", I have seen too many parents who make mistakes. Last month, an 11-year-old girl came to me to make a sandbox. She didn't say a word the whole time. The sandbox was full of black and gray sand. Later I found out that her mother had been saying since she was in elementary school, "Look at Duoduo downstairs, the piano has passed grade 8." "Look at your monitor, every time The exams were all double hundred." Last time she took the third place in the class, she was scolded when she came home, "Why can't you learn from the first place?" Later, when the child heard the word "others", he had a headache. When he went to the hospital, there was no organic problem. In fact, it was a somatic reaction caused by being compared for a long time. I told her mother the mantra "ask the reason for making a mistake first, and don't compare yourself to other families." I asked her not to mention any "other people's children" within a month. Even if the child failed in the exam, she should first ask, "Did you fail to learn something this time?" After only three weeks, the child was willing to gossip about school with her mother.

Oh, by the way, there are still many parents who tend to ignore the issue of "boundaries". In fact, there have been different opinions in the academic circles: some traditional education scholars believe that parents must fully understand their children's dynamics in order to avoid risks in a timely manner. For example, peeking into diaries and browsing chat records are all "for the good of the children."”； But our clinical statistics show that 76% of parent-child trust breakdowns in adolescence originate from parents violating their children’s privacy boundaries. That's why we say "Boundaries should be respected, and little secrets should be kept private." As long as you make sure that your child is not exposed to pornography, gambling, drugs, or being bullied at school, don't forcefully dig out the small notes locked in his drawer or the password set in his mobile phone. If he wants to say it, he will naturally tell it, but if he doesn't want to say it, there will only be cracks in it.

I also encountered a particularly interesting example. There was a father who worked in IT and was very strict about doing things. In the past, getting along with his children was like working on a project. Everything was clearly arranged. The children could not even choose whether to play or do homework first on weekends. As a result, the child's procrastination could not be corrected. When he came for consultation, I mentioned to him, "Leave small things to your own authority, and don't talk about big principles." He replied I made a "authority chart" when I went there. Little things like what clothes to wear, how long to play after school, and where to play on weekends are all decided by the child. He only checks in on things involving safety and bottom line. In just half a month, he came to give me feedback, saying that most of the child's troubles have been cured. In the past, he couldn't even move after being yelled for half an hour to go out. Now he has packed the clothes for the next day on the first day, and there is no need to rush him at all.

Speaking of interests, many parents feel that they need to pave the way for their children in advance. They want to register for piano, painting, and Go. As a result, their children can learn anything in three minutes. In fact, you might as well look at what they are willing to do when they have nothing to do. A mother once told me that her child is interested in everything. She didn’t want to attend the fun class, so she just squatted downstairs and watched ants. She was quite anxious at first, but later she listened to the advice of “don’t impose interests, encourage curiosity more” and bought her children an insect observation box and popular science picture books. Now her children are particularly interested in biology, and even their compositions are much more vivid than before.

To be honest, these eight mantras are not a panacea. If your child is naturally highly sensitive, you may need to spend more time on "catching your emotions first."； If he is naturally lively and adventurous, just give him more control and encourage his curiosity. I've seen many parents print out these eight sentences and stick them on the refrigerator when they can't remember them at first, and scan them first every time they get angry. It's very effective. Oh, yes, don’t think it’s embarrassing to apologize to your child. There was a mother who misunderstood that her child had taken the family’s money, and later found out that she had misplaced it. She struggled for three days before telling her child, “I’m sorry, mommy wronged you.” The child held her and cried for a long time that day, saying that her mother had never apologized to her before. After that, the child was willing to tell her anything. You see, there is no difference between parent and child. Only if you are willing to wait for him as an equal will he be willing to open his heart.